It's been almost a year since I watched one of my very best friends take her last breath. My life will never be the same after December 2, 2010. It changed everything I am and who I was and will be. There are so many things that I look back on and cherish and there are also regrets. I'm so thankful for all the times that I was able to just help her and be there to listen to anything she had to say. I think that I have blamed myself for not spending enough time her, calling her enough, or worst of all the day I left the hospital to go home and put up my Christmas tree (which never happened) not knowing that would be the last time I would see her in a conscious state of mind. I wish that I could go back and stay at the hospital until I absolutely HAD to go home. I'm so thankful for the millions of hours we spent together. I'm thankful for all of the drive home phone calls from work and keeping up on each other's lives. (Sometimes I still start to call her when I get in the car after work...old habits die hard!)
The last year has changed so much of me. I have had to learn on my own how to cope with such a huge loss in my life. It was hard. There were times that I just needed to vent or cry and there were always people in my life that knew just what to do or say. Sometimes it was a hug and sometimes it was a gentle reminder that human nature is selfish and that she is so much better off now (thanks Courtney)! For the first time I had to sit down with my little girl and explain death in a three year old perspective. I've had to answer the many questions about where Aunt Ann was or is it OK to miss her. Sometimes I'm amazed that even though she was only two at the time, just how much Rylee remembers. Just last month she asked me if she would get to see Aunt Ann at something we were going to.
I remember when she called me at the beginning of my pregnancy with Rylee and told me what the odds looked like of her getting to meet her. They weren't good. I also remember the relief I felt when she made it and they did get to meet. I also remember that same feeling of relief when she met Hannah. I'll never forget the instant sadness I felt when I realized that Landon was my only child she would never meet and hold. It's so hard knowing that I didn't get to tell her I was pregnant, or that it was a boy, or that I will never get to send her pictures of him.
However, as hard as this year has been for me I REFUSE to forget the amazing awesome memories we shared over the years. Here's my top 10:
10. Movies....with every snack you could think of, the cousins, and mazzio's pizza!
9. The phone call every year from about 8-18 to find out when I was coming to wrap her Christmas gifts. She HATED wrapping presents.
8. The look on her face when a Middle Eastern person sat downing on the row in front of us on our flight to Hawaii less than a year after 9-11. she was disturbed...and it was funny!
7. Prom dress shopping! Need I say more?
6. Her reaction when I told her that we were seating her with the mother's at our wedding. So happy to have made her that happy with something so simple.
5. Watching her eyes light up when she would share blueberries with Rylee.
4. Weekends at her house. They were just simple and relaxing.
3. Even though it was usually not for a good reason, I was always happy that I was the one that got to stay and take care of her the first night after surgery. Sometimes she just slept, but sometimes we had lots of fun!
2. Our phone calls
1. Cooking together, sharing recipies, and just talking about new "expirements" that we had done.
I don't think that I will ever miss her any less. Even though writting this made me sob, it feels amazing to think back on the good times. I love her so much and I miss her everyday!
Ann and Hannah when Hannah was about two weeks old
Aunt Ann
Ann and me on her 50th birthday
Ann and Rylee the night that Rylee was born
