Learning to Fly (and remembering to breathe!)

It's been almost a year since I watched one of my very best friends take her last breath.  My life will never be the same after December 2, 2010.  It changed everything I am and who I was and will be. There are so many things that I look back on and cherish and there are also regrets. I'm so thankful for all the times that I was able to just help her and be there to listen to anything she had to say.  I think that I have blamed myself for not spending enough time her, calling her enough, or worst of all the day I left the hospital to go home and put up my Christmas tree (which never happened) not knowing that would be the last time I would see her in a conscious state of mind.  I wish that I could go back and stay at the hospital until I absolutely HAD to go home. I'm so thankful for the millions of hours we spent together.  I'm thankful for all of the drive home phone calls from work and keeping up on each other's lives. (Sometimes I still start to call her when I get in the car after work...old habits die hard!)

The last year has changed so much of me. I have had to learn on my own how to cope with such a huge loss in my life. It was hard. There were times that I just needed to vent or cry and there were always people in my life that knew just what to do or say. Sometimes it was a hug and sometimes it was a gentle reminder that human nature is selfish and that she is so much better off now (thanks Courtney)! For the first time I had to sit down with my little girl and explain death in a three year old perspective.  I've had to answer the many questions about where Aunt Ann was or is it OK to miss her. Sometimes I'm amazed that even though she was only two at the time, just how much Rylee remembers.  Just last month she asked me if she would get to see Aunt Ann at something we were going to.

I remember when she called me at the beginning of my pregnancy with Rylee and told me what the odds looked like of her getting to meet her.  They weren't good. I also remember the relief I felt when she made it and they did get to meet. I also remember that same feeling of relief when she met Hannah. I'll never forget the instant sadness I felt when I realized that Landon was my only child she would never meet and hold. It's so hard knowing that I didn't get to tell her I was pregnant, or that it was a boy, or that I will never get to send her pictures of him. 

However, as hard as this year has been for me I REFUSE to forget the amazing awesome memories we shared over the years.  Here's my top 10:

10. Movies....with every snack you could think of, the cousins, and mazzio's pizza!

9. The phone call every year from about 8-18 to find out when I was coming to wrap her Christmas gifts.  She HATED wrapping presents.

8. The look on her face when a Middle Eastern person sat downing on the row in front of us on our flight to Hawaii less than a year after 9-11. she was disturbed...and it was funny!

7. Prom dress shopping! Need I say more?

6. Her reaction when I told her that we were seating her with the mother's at our wedding. So happy to have made her that happy with something so simple.

5. Watching her eyes light up when she would share blueberries with Rylee.

4. Weekends at her house.  They were just simple and relaxing.

3. Even though it was usually not for a good reason, I was always happy that I was the one that got to stay and take care of her the first night after surgery.  Sometimes she just slept, but sometimes we had lots of fun!

2. Our phone calls

1. Cooking together, sharing recipies, and just talking about new "expirements" that we had done.

I don't think that I will ever miss her any less.  Even though writting this made me sob, it feels amazing to think back on the good times. I love her so much and I miss her everyday!

 Ann and Hannah when Hannah was about two weeks old

 Aunt Ann

 Ann and me on her 50th birthday

Ann and Rylee the night that Rylee was born

Preparing for Hibernation.

Every time that a new baby enters the Foote home I do everything in my power to NOT have to buy a lot of things when I am on maternity leave. This is for three very important reasons.
1) I seem to only give birth during flu season so I don't want to take said newborn outside
2) It's really cold outside during the winter in Oklahoma
3) While I do get maternity leave it's only paid until my paid vacation time runs out.

I try to fully stock up on things like dog & cat food, cat litter, toilet paper, paper towels, and any food items that we can possibly stock up on other than fresh produce and milk (which Ryan usually gets to stop and get on his way home or I get to sneak out for a 30 minute break after he gets home...sometimes I prefer the later!)

I didn't plan on starting this early but man, the sales have been amazing. We love to eat yummy fruit during the winter but it's completely overpriced! I got a really amazing, almost dumb founding tip that I never would have thought of on my own.

Here goes....
ready...
Freeze it on a cookie sheet first THEN put it in a baggie and it won't be stuck together!!!
I know, so easy I should have just known!

Blueberries and strawberries are done along with peppers and onions.  It's exciting. 

Not only have we started with house things but the Christmas and Birthday shopping is underway as well.  Birthday party planning is in full swing and things are just falling into place! So exciting to start feeling some sort of accomplishment.

So to all my couponing friends, keep me posted on great deals. I'm preparing for hibernation!

So much to catch up on!!!

I feel like I have abandoned my blog.  Life has changed so much since my last blog.  The biggest new change is that we are adding a new family member. I'm not talking about a dog or cat. It's true we are having a baby!

 

If you think this is a surprise for you, you should have seen me.  I'm so thankful for this tiny little life, but after two fertility babies I was NOT prepared for a surprise pregnancy. With the first two there was lots of testing and waiting and then one pregnant there were weekly ultrasounds. This was not the case this time.  In fact other than weekly shots the start was pretty normal.  I made it past the week of sickness starting with no changes at all.  Once I thought I was out of the clear, bam!!! Here came the sickness! We did have a few emergency ultrasounds and then some follow up ones for some things that came up. Now they are about every 4 weeks which are far apart for me! Not only did we get a surprise baby, we got our BOY!!!!

We are so excited, and a little scared at the same time. I don't handle surprises very well. I like to think things through and plan long and hard before making life changing choices. I can't wait to meet this little guy, but it's meaning BIG changes for our home.  I've had donating on my heart a lot this year and we are about to do that more than ever! Most of our things MUST go.  First we will be having a garage sale to buy some of the things that we will NEED for Landon. We got rid of almost everything thinking that we will not need it anymore.  What's left from the garage sale will be donated to charity.  After that we will tackle some summer donating trips we had planned until sickness took over.

We are about to teach our girls that less is more.  While I'm sad this wasn't a bigger priority I'm so thankful that it's happening now!

Other things that we missed out on blogging on...

First family of four vacation! We went to Great Wolf Lodge.  When we booked the trip we had no idea that I would be pregnant or that it would be the hottest summer of our lives!!! It was so relaxing.  We didn't leave the hotel once.  It was so heavenly. The hotel was fantastic and the girls loved it.

Which leads to our next...

Hannah's first concussion.  Actually a first for any of our kids.  We had about one week of not eating, lots of sleeping, and lots of falling down, but we are happy to say she is much better now.

Rylee's first pedicure...

She is my girly girl! She loved every second of it.  It was part of a special date night with mommy and daddy and she talked about it for weeks!!!

Rylee starts cubbies...

NO WAY IS MY BABY OLD ENOUGH FOR THIS!

She's loving it.  It's exciting to see her learn and retain scripture!

Hannah grows up...

She's getting bigger and things are changing.  She started potty training herself and we quickly learned that she didn't really understand. It's hard to tell what she understands and what she doesn't since she refuses to speak! So frustrating.  She also lost her pacifier recently which is something that I should have done long ago.  She was upset the first day, but not really after that!

All in all, we had a great and exciting summer! Can't wait to see what fall holds for us. I promise to be more faithful blogger and lots of pictures will be included!

Attempting Potty Training

Canvas Painting

Spaghetti Dinner

Last days with a paci

Great Wolf Lodge

First Pedicure

Finger Sticks and Peanut Butter

This was what my sweet Hannah looked like just two days after her first birthday.  Not even "there". She didn't wake up when they started her IV or put her catheter in.  So sad.  After some testing, they figured out after some testing that her blood sugar was 40! Poor baby.  So, all that said, you can imagine my horror when I was at work yesterday and I get a call..."Hey honey, where's Hannah's glucometer?"  Uuuhhh, why?!?! She was acting just as she had done before and I was no where close.  I told him where it was and couldn't get him off the phone fast enough.  The first time I was the one holding it together, this time I wanted nothing more than to cry and I didn't want him to know that I was scared.  Then he called and told me that it was in the 60's..NOT GOOD.  Fruit and graham crackers it was. Rushed Rylee to school, back to the house and another test shows 50.  Ryan was A-MAZING. He was calm, cool, and collected.  All the time I was at work trying to stay calm until I got some more news.  Ryan called the pediatrician and followed orders.  Slowly, the blood sugar levels came up.  With only a few other dips throughout the day, we had made it by. We learned a major lesson today.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS have peanut butter and orange juice wherever Hannah goes. I think about all the times that she's been places without it.  And to make matters worse, when her sugar crashed that morning, she was minutes away from being with a baby sitter and while I'm sure that Lacey has peanut butter, WHY IN THE WORLD AM I RISKING IT! I think too many of us settled back into the thought that it was because she was getting sick last time, but now I just feel stupid for not being better prepared.  From now on there will be an emergency sugar crash kit in her bag wherever she goes. Where you find Hannah you will always be finger sticks and peanut butter! (and some Sunny D to wash it down!!!)

Meet the Donaters!

Have you ever wondered what $33.52 would buy you? Well today, after 3 trips to Homeland and 8 transactions total (Ryan was with me once so of course I made him do his 2 transactions) here is how it went down.

• 4 packages of boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 4 packages of chicken tenderloins
• 6 boxed of spaghetti
• 2 boxes of rotini
• 8 of the NEW cream cheese cooking blends
• 6 freezer packs of warm and serve rolls
• 3 Johnson's baby shampoo
• 6 no more tangles leave in conditioner
• 6 johnson's intense moisture cream
• 2 johnson's shea butter lotions
• 2 johnson's intense moisture body wash
• 1 Johnson's bedtime bath
• 1 package of skittles (not pictured but very good!) =)

The total savings was $135. Mostly, we needed the chicken for the month so this was a successful day for me. However, my heart has been very burdened lately (ecspecially after hearing Carrie talk about paying it forward) that my family really needs to do more to help others in need.  Now, we are by no means "well-off" but our basic needs are absolutely met. Jesus didn't comand us to give when we felt comfortable.  It's not a big deal if you do what's "comfortable" we need to just do it. So now that I have gotten decent at couponing (I plan to be MUCH better) I decided now is the time.  There used to be a time when we couldn't spare a penny but now we can.  We have set a small amount of money aside each month to use for donating. It's not a lot and I would like to do more, but we just can't right now. HOWEVER, I am determined to do the most I can with what we have and this is a prime example how. I will still do the most I can with that amount of money. What kind of example would I be to my children if I didn't? Stay tuned to see how we plan to make a big difference this year even if the dollar spent isn't grand!

To check out ways for you to save go to couponcloset.net!

total displacement!

Everything, and I do mean everything, seems all out of place. For the first time in a while I'm doing all online classes, which to a mom, means absolutely NO personal study time.  Ryan is a full time student and has a full time job so glimpses of him are even rare.  I've just been through one of the hardest loses ever.  When my aunt died, I lost someone that I talked about everything with.  (sometimes not by my choice. haha) So now I feel like on top of everything feeling out of place, something that always has been is gone. 

Fast forward....of all things what's next?  My work catches ON FIRE! Badly.  They are saying that it could be months before we are back in.  Of course, why not???  We are all making the best that we can out of all situations, but for now we are all displaced.  We don't know when we will see each other or when we will be where or what's going to happen with the clinic. 

For the most part, Ryan and I hand selected MOST of the above changes. When he got accepted into nursing school we knew that it would limit time between us.  That in order for our kids to have some sense of what the word "HOME" meant we would have to sacrifice time with each other.  We kept saying it's only 27 months.  We can do this.  Then in an effort to save money we decided for me to do as much as I can of school on-line.  I strongly hate on-line classes but I so desperately want to get out of debt this year so why not?  However, what I wasn't fully processing was how hard it would be to get some quality study time in.  WOW! That's all I can say. 

Now work, which was a great constant for me, is not that.  I liked the girls that I was on shift with.  I knew who would be there when I was there and I know the kind of people that they are.  Not so much anymore.  I will be at whatever clinic I can with whomever is supposed to be there.  It's just all crazy to me.  For the most part that's the extent of the "friend" time that I have right now.  I don't have time to go anywhere or do anything with hardly anyone.  So when will I see my friends again.  Our days are messed up and I know some of us are going to different clinics.  No one knows how long this will last. 

I'm just ready for life to slow down.  After Ann passed away and we were cleaning things out it made me realize how much stuff we have.  Here's my plan... my goal is to get rid of 50% of the volume of our house.  While this may not be fully achievable, I won't settle  for less than 30%.  I'm going to rent the smallest storage building available and as I pack boxes of stuff to get rid of they will be moved over there.  For two reasons 1) to get it out of the way 2) so that we can't get things we "need" back out of it.  I have given myself until the end of April to do this.  Hard? YES! Possible? Absolutely!!!!  I'm so excited!!! We can get the "stuff" out and take advantage of every moment possible!  The start of summer is going to be a garage sale and the profits will yield some sort of family something.  Haven't decided for sure yet, but I can promise this...it won't be shopping and it will be something that we can all do together. 
In the chaos of everything, I feel like I just want my family time back!  Here's to a better us and knowing that all of my "temporary total displacement" is just that....temporary!

Mom Down! Mom Down!

UUUGGGHHHHH! I don't sick very often, but when I do...I DO!!!  I have the flu, strep throat, and an ear infection.  Why not? Today I wanted to give up.  Working 3 days with the flu has finally caught up to me on top of not sleeping last night is doing me in.  I am tired, cranky, and miserable.  I was short, rude and abrupt.  Now that the night has calmed down I feel bad but there is not a way to apolagize to everyone.  I was mean to half of the staff at the Dr.  (I absolutely do feel bad because I work at a Dr. and know how that goes.) However, I find it insanely stupid that when my appointment was at 3 it was after 4 before they even called me back.  I expect that at a walk in clinic, but for crying out loud I made an appointment. Then Rylee did not want to obey.  Nothing big, just small things, but those add up when you don't feel good.  Poor thing, I wasn't very patient.  Bed time couldn't come soon enough. Apologies will be issued tomorrow.  As much as I want to lay around and do nothing I can't.  I must go from sick to mommy when I wake up in the mornig. Tomorrow is Hannah Banana's Birthday and it WILL be great!

The Bitter-Sweet Party

***disclaimer!!! you are about to be bombarded with pictures!***

Where has the time gone?! My baby is growing up so so fast.  When Rylee turned one I was in shock.  This time it's taking a toll on my emotions. I'm not sure if it's life's most recent circumstances or the uncertainty of if there will be more children, but never the less, I'M SAD!

As I look back at what the last year and 9 months has thrown our way, I'm amazed at what all God had to bring us through to get us to this point.  A year ago I was sick and tired (literally) and I just wanted to meet my baby.  I knew that every day she was inside of me was better for her, but every day that she was in me took a toll on my body. For the first time EVER I am going to put my pregnancy in writing. (don't worry I'll paraphrase!) =)

When we decided that we were ready for another child,. it wasn't like most couples.  It took phone calls. Lots of them.  First, was the insurance company to make sure that our fertility benefits hadn't changed.  Knowing that they were still in place, I called Dr. Lisa to tell her that I was ready.  That was followed by a letter and a call from Dr. Lisa to Dr. Reshef.  Then there was the one to Dr. Reshef to schedule.  Following that were the 3 start up appointments and ultrasounds.  Much to our surprise AND HIS we ended up pregnant the first month.  (It took 21 with Rylee) We were on cloud nine!

We were trying to hold out as long as possible to tell our parents, but with my sickness increasing it was getting HARD! Then the inevitable, at 6.5 weeks my body started trying to lose her.  Our poor parents found out in the turmoil that we were pregnant and the drive to the hospital seemed like years. Once there, Dr. Reshef informed us that Hannah and I were both fine. Over the next 4 weeks pregnancy was MEAN to me.
By 10.5 weeks I had been hospitalized EIGHT times, lost 16.5 pounds and I had a PICC line put in for all of my food/water/nutrients to be put into. This took the pressure off of me to try to eat and a guarantee that my baby was getting what she needed. (picc line pic coming up...you were warned!)

In the next eight weeks I spent time at the hospital for various things from pregnancy and picc line complications.  At 18 weeks I was admitted for bilateral Mastitis.  Isn't that supposed to happen AFTER THE BABY IS BORN?!?! Leave it to me I know. At the time it was very hard to see God's plan or purpose for this pregnancy, but it's things like this that I look back on and think "thank you Jesus for your protection." You see it was then at 18 weeks laying in a dark hospital room miserable from pain that I started contracting every 3 minutes. At first I thought no, can't be.  Then I quickly called for help.  My OB/GYN quickly started fluids as fast as possible.  Through a PICC line they will go FAST!  4 bags later the contractions were down to about 15 minutes and I had to pee so bad I could hardly move.  =) Who knows what would have happened had I not already been there with my Dr.

At 24 weeks I was hospitalized again for "H1N1". I had a sudden onset of fever, chills, and "contractions". With as deadly as H1N1 had been to pregnant women and babies, they weren't about to let me leave the hospital.  My fever was so high none of the hospital thermometers could get it and my heart rate was higher than the baby's.  NOT GOOD!  They stuck me in isolation and started shoving tamiflu down my throat.  In the process they took the PICC line out since they weren't sure what was going on. After the night I was admitted nothing happened again.  No fever, no symptoms, just lots of sleeping.  On October 28th Dr. Lisa made her daily visit and told me that I was gonna go home, but to stay away from Rylee for a week.  Gee thanks.  (She wasn't allowed to come to the isolation room!) A few minutes later she came back in and said she was keeping me one more night.  dream.shattered.

In the early hours of October 29th my IV had messed up so I called my nurse. In the two minutes it took her to come in my body started shutting down. I don't remember very much from that night.  It has all been told to me.  They had Ryan call the family in and kicked him out of the room just as the rapid response team arrived.I remember the first one telling me his name and that he was from ICU and that's when I knew something was bad wrong.  As hard as a tried I could talk or nod. The last thing I remember is thinking poor Ryan is going to lose his wife and baby in the same night.  about 7 hours later I was informed that I had had a CAT scan, x-rays, heart tests and blood work and that results to some were still pending.  i was also informed that I had 3 new drs and that there was still and emergency team on stand by in case they had to deliver Hannah.  What???  I'm only 24 weeks.  she will never make it.  Later on we learned that I was septic and that my body was trying to fight a blood infection caused by my PICC line.  I was put on strong IV antibiotics as a precaution during my downfall and that is what was making me feel better.  Thank you  Lord for a christian Dr. who knows your will.  had I been home I would have died.(and after all tests came back it was proven that I never even had the flu, let alone H1N1!)

That was all of the drama for a while. Well, except for the daily vomiting, but by this point that was simply life.  We got Rylee's new bed ordered, Hannah's cradle out and set up, baby showers...you know the necessities.  At 33 weeks I told Ryan that we needed to go to the hospital.  He asked if I was contracting again and I said "Yes, but I'm not in labor.  I PROMISE I have a kidney stone and I can't take it anymore.  The pain is making me contract."  We went in and I told the nurse what was going on and she thought I had lost. my. mind. My urine didn't look bad and I was after all, still walking and functioning (you'd have thought by now they would have learned that not much slows me down.  It's a small hospital and ALMOST all of them knew me on a first name basis...BEFORE checking in) I found out that she didn't even tell the Dr that's what I thought was wrong. I told her and she ordered an ultra sound.  What do you ya know...low in the left kidney there was a stone.  Fantastic.  Now give me drugs and let me go home!!!

That seemed to be the end of all the crazy things that could happen to me. After the stone I only had my labor stopped two more times.  Nothing that most other women don't go through.  By this point I just wanted to be done.  The c-section was scheduled for Feb.6th and my only priority was keeping this baby in my belly until sometime after Rylee's 2nd birthday party. Party came and party went and I was quite proud that I had managed to do so. For those of you that forgot I was rather LARGE. OK, Hannah ready, set, come out!

Be careful what you wish for!!!!  On January 27th I got home from work about 9:00 at night and just didn't feel great.  Could it be?  Wait, if I go they will probably stop my labor.  Nope, not going.  Man, that makes a long night.  However, with the huge ice storm coming it could be the weather making me not feel good.  With Rylee already in bed it was time to just get in bed.  LONGEST. NIGHT. EVER.  I took some Tylenol PM and went to bed. Here's what I learned.  In active labor no matter what you take you will still wake up and hurt.  The "PM" in the tylenol just makes you too stupid to ever look at a clock.  (important when it comes to contractions)  The Dr. called the next morning to cancel my appointment for that day due to a lot of ice headed our way but some already here.  It was at that instant when I said "umm, I've been in labor all night" that my husband learned of my suffering.  oops.  We got to the hospital only to find out that I was dialating and contracting 4 minutes apart.  Off to the O.R. we were going...fast. Thankfully, once we saw that I was contracting that often we told everyone to head out because Dr. Lisa was waiting for NO ONE!  They arrived just in time to see me head on my way.  At 2:03 in the afternoon, weighing in at 6 lbs 4 ounces Hannah Renae was welcomed to the world with LOTS of tears. 

As I have spent the last few weeks thinking back on all we came through to get here it makes me realize Hannah has a real purpose in this world. I can't wait to see what will become of her. I'm excited to watch her chase her dreams and achieve her goals.  But for now I just enjoy watching her learn, explore, play, and sleep. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH RENAE!

saving mommy!

I have always liked loved coupons. I learned it at an early age.  My mom used to spend $150 a month to feed the four of us.  When I was fairly young and spending one of many weekends at Ann's she told me to pick out cereal and I asked what the coupon she had was for. (she promptly and sarcastically informed me she didn't use coupons.) I was born with it in my blood...it's what I do. Mom has joked more than once that I've passed her in my couponing craze.  So here's the dilemma...I WANT MORE!!! When we were just a mere family of three I was spending about $120 a WEEK on groceries.  Makes me mad now that I look back on it. When I had Hannah who came out with all kinds of expensive problems that you can't use coupons on (I guess Dr's don't like coupons) I tried very hard to cut back to $100 a week. It didn't always come out to that but hey I was "trying".  This year I've become so much more passionate about saving money.  So this week I joined the new mega couponing craze.  I think I did it pretty well for it being my first week. I checked blogs, compared sales, and made lists...as in more than one store.  First stop was homeland.  Let me lay it out for you. I spent $19 and saved $46.  woo hoo.  I got things like lunch meat for free!!! Shampoo and conditioner for $0.50 each can of soup for $0.13...the list goes on and on.  I continued my way through stores and sales and while I'm not stopping here I am pleased to tell you that I will feed our family of four breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks as well as the extra items that I stock piled at super low prices for only $80.  That's adding a person and taking off about $40 a week.  The best part of this is that ALL of the food that I purchased this week is HEALTHY. While I'm not satisfied with my overall total yet, I will pat myself on the back for a job well started!

And we're off!!!

I'm really excited to be starting my blog.  It's one of the many changes that New Years is bringing at the Foote house! Most of it will probably be about nothing at all but hey it's an outlet in this very busy life of mine. For 2011 I have set life altering goals.  Some won't be shared at all and some won't be shared until they are happening. I mean, where is the thrill of the unknown if I tell you all my secrets now?! For 2011 we are becoming the best of minimalists that we possibly can.  My goal is to reduce the volume of our house by 50%. Maybe that's a little steep and possibly unattainable but I won't stop until at least 30%! Less is more right?  I'm tired of my child(ren) thinking that everything is owed to them or that four letter "M" word (mine). This year will be about purging, giving away, and selling our "things".  At the tender age of three my daughter will be forced taught to pick out toys to give to kids that don't have any before they are allowed to get ANY of the toys the got for Christmas or birthdays out.  (I know it's rough!) The play room is overflowing and it breaks my heart to think that there are kids out there without any.  I love my girls and this year we will be learning to spend time together reading, playing, and having fun! Can't wait!!!!